the moment

So let me go back. About a month ago I found myself in tears surrounded by a group of incredibly supportive moms/friends. I was feeling broken and exhausted from all the “advice” I had been given on how to be a better christian mother and how to fix my broken children(I don’t care how they tried to sugar coat it that’s what I heard and that’s how it made me feel) I don’t know how many of you have gotten to experience what it feels like to be in a room with a bunch of moms that are not just sharing the good the bad and the ugly of diaper changing, toddler tantrums, and carpool craziness…but who are going much deeper to a layer women don’t often like to expose. The layer that exposes our shame, and guilt, our fears and failures. The layer that hurts us to our core. As each one spoke it became very clear that we all had the moments that we so desperately wish we could go back to…In that moment I wish I was the mom that was ever present…In that moment I wish I could have been the mom that never yells at her children. In that moment I wish I was the mom that never found herself drowning in her own self pity. In that moment I wish I would have been the mom that never allowed her children to see the ugliness that I had tried to keep hidden for so long. In that moment…

It was after these moments were shared that I had one of the most freeing moments as a mother. Like the women around me I too had wished I was “that kind of mother” in “that moment” so many times…but I wasn’t…and I’m not. “I am the one” that still daily struggles with patience, stress, and anxiety. “The one” that has to occasionally force herself out of withdrawal mode and place herself back into being present. “The one” that is still painfully growing and learning with each precious day that has been gifted to me. Perhaps this is one of the most important realizations for me. I have not grown to my full size, I am not a finished product, I am not a completed¬† person…I was not created to be…Not on my own. I am still learning. Oh have mercy I am still learning…but finally I am learning to listen to the truth God spoke into my one of a kind Mama heart…This truth has truly set me free!

This truth has allowed me to be able to say…with all honesty…We are in a really good place…because we are. We are in the place that God intended us to be…right here…right now and let me tell ya it feels good walkin around in that kind of contentment! I am the Mom that God intended for my children to have right now…not “that one” but “this one”…and let me tell ya it feels good walkin around in that kind of peace and understanding.

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