Recently someone special to me asked how my family and I were doing? Although this question is often asked in polite conversation I knew that this particular friend was not just looking for an answer found at the surface but one deep down where it counts. Surprisingly without much hesitation with a big ol’ smile on my face I responded with “Ya know…We are in a really good place.” It almost felt strange just how confidently it came out of my mouth. To hear myself speak this new found truth out loud in front of someone whose life I truly admire… and honestly for the first time in front of myself…felt amazing! Now I just want to make sure you understood what I said correctly….I certainly did not say that we are in a perfect place…but a good one. Life has not suddenly just gotten easier. I haven’t suddenly transformed into “that” mom…but I have started to appreciate “this” mom in “this” place a whole lot more. What a journey that continues to be. It’s like God has to continually hold up a “You Are Here/Her Sign” just so I don’t forget that this is the moment I…me…this girl…was meant to be present in. I am here…I am her. I was placed in “this” spot…smack dab in the middle of “this” family for a purpose. Some days it feels like that purpose is to simply show my children what not to do;) But even my failures serve a great and wonderful purpose as I allow my family to bear witness to them and then allow them to love me through it…By grace we are forgiven…We just simply have to ask…and ask I do!
I find a strange amount of comfort knowing that God knew how ridiculously flawed I was before he made me a mother…but he…and only he…could see the beauty that would come from a whole lot of ugly;) God knew that I would not naturally be the mom that always spoke with tenderness and control…but he knows I will get there and my children will get to see the change he made in me. God knew that I would be a mom that struggles with worry and anxiety but he knows I will learn to daily…no…hourly…no…
minute by minute put my trust in him. Someday…Hopefully someday very soon this will come easy. For now these things serve as my “humbling block” and not the stumbling block they once were. Everyday that they begin to show up in my path I am reminded to not allow them to make me fall back into a place of hopelessness but to see that if I simply humble myself to the Lord and say “Lord…There is no way I am going to get through this place…through this day…through this moment without you!” he will be there to help me over that hurdle.
It’s amazing how when I get my own bearings how much easier it is for me to meet and except my family for where they are…In that place where God intended them to be…right here…right now. Let me tell ya it feels good walkin around in that kind of peace and understanding! For the first time I am at a quite enough spot to finally be able to hear my own voice and my own truth as a mother…The voice God spoke in to existence…The truth that he firmly planted deep down in my heart….I trust it now. I trust it more now then I do the voices of the “well intentioned” that shook my confidence for so long. I trust that it will continue to lead me to where I need to be with my family on our journey. This trust has brought me to a good and wonderful place…It has brought such contentment to my soul and calm to my family. I love where we are right now, I except where we are right now…In this beautifully imperfect time and place made for growing and thriving in each others grace. We are here…and here is good!